Everything has its season

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Never go digging into your past. Everything has a season and my time in this town had its season. Its surprising how little it has changed in some ways. Some of the familiar background faces are still there. Three years have passed and yet these people are still stuck in the same routine. I could not think of a greater horror.

Every man has one who got away. For me it was the last girl I had an infatuation with, back in my omega days. She was a mess when I met her. Absolutely beautiful and broken. A monument of abusive relationships, substance addiction, and desperation.

The white knight in me wanted to save her. It nearly destroyed me. She was an emotional vampire and she fed off me whilst she fucked others. I ended up angry and bitter. That anger became a catalyst of self improvement. In a way I owe her, for if I had not met her I might never have found the dedication to turn my life around; to get revenge on her.

Revenge never came. What came instead was other girls. Younger, hotter girls. A long time later I met the one who got away. I was different. She was the same. I had the game, the charisma, to conquer her. I was still a beta at heart and passed up a sure thing. It haunts me still; unfinished business. It drove Dante to create a masterpiece of literature.

Those tortured memories haunt me and drive me. There is a saying that behind every great man is a woman but never the woman he married.

I pictured her an aging spinster careening into the wall, ravaged from years of abuses. Yet I still feel the obsession stirring within; I must have her just once.

Instead I have heard from a mutual acquaintance that she is married and has a kid. Very happy was the phrase he used. Time moves on. The past cannot be recaptured. I am not the same person I was when I left this town; when I knew her.

She is not the same person either; her youth is going, her beauty would not be what it was in the time I knew her. The girl who haunts my memories, whose body I long to touch, lips I long to kiss, is a figment of the past; she is dead and cannot ever be found.

Whoever this woman is with the same name and same face cannot be the muse of my youth. That business shall forever remain unfinished; I am a different man. I have the future to look forward to.

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12 thoughts on “Everything has its season

  1. 3rd Millenium Men

    “Revenge never came. What came instead was other girls. Younger, hotter girls. A long time later I met the one who got away. I was different. She was the same. I had the game, the charisma, to conquer her. I was still a beta at heart and passed up a sure thing. It haunts me still; unfinished business. It drove Dante to create a masterpiece of literature.”

    Damn. Yeah it’s always hard… even when I went away and conquered 9s and 10s, coming back to girls I had previously liked who were 7s was still difficult and in some cases impenetrable due to how they still viewed me. I had changed, their perceptions of me hadn’t.

    Those tortured memories haunt me and drive me. There is a saying that behind every great man is a woman but never the woman he married.

    Haven’t heard this one… unfair in most situations. Undoubtedly true in some.

    She is not the same person either; her youth is going, her beauty would not be what it was in the time I knew her. The girl who haunts my memories, whose body I long to touch, lips I long to kiss, is a figment of the past; she is dead and cannot ever be found.

    This is beautiful writing. Going to follow this blog!!

    Reply
    1. Tom White Post author

      Thank you.

      “Haven’t heard this one… unfair in most situations. Undoubtedly true in some.”
      I can’t find the source though I first read it as a supposed paraphrase of kierkegaard. I’ve seen several examples; Lincoln was supposedly haunted by a girl he was in love with who died,Ann Rutledge. Supposedly Schwarzenegger had a girl back in Austria who turned him down and that was a major contributor to his dedication. There’s more examples that I can’t recall right now.

      “I had changed, their perceptions of me hadn’t. ”
      This is why I believe that attempting to improve yourself is much easier in a new location; Once people have pigeonholed you its difficult to change that perception. I did actually manage to change the perception of the woman above by prolonged absence from her life coupled with learning game, packing on muscle and sleeping with other women. When I ran into her by accident she said to me “You seem taller”. Back at her place she threw herself at me. That was the first time I ever had a girl give me the fuck me eyes; I was still naive and scared, wordlessly aloof to cover my nervousness; only a paper alpha and ultimately I hesitated too much…a harsh lesson. Before I could get another shot life decided I needed some crap kicked out of me and I had to leave town fast [that’s another story] leaving unfinished business behind me.
      After I sorted my life out I swore I’d go back but life gets in the way of the best laid plans.

      Reply
  2. finndistan

    Forgiving yourself, because with the knowledge that was available to you, and because the society is working against you, and as a man you lack the support net that could give the right advice;

    Forgiving yourself, because it is these experiences that make a man grow, seek knowledge, learn from the experience,

    Forgiving yourself because the fact that the one that got away, got away, saved you a life of misery and suffering, and your right or wrong actions caused her to get away, make them the right actions, even unknowingly:

    This is what you do.

    Revenge? Revenge comes when the younger, more feminine, hotter, tighter, sweeter etc girl is lying in your bed sweaty, puffing, being as close to you as she can, being happy she pleased you; revenge comes from you not needing the revenge, not even thinking of it.

    The fish that got away is always the big fish, one just has to realize it is a rotten big fish.

    Reply
  3. finndistan

    Edit:

    Forgiving yourself, because with the knowledge that was available to you, and because the society is working against you, and as a man you lack the support net that could give the right advice; you did not know any better, you were not told any better, you were not given advice to judge better;

    Reply
    1. Tom White Post author

      “Forgiving yourself…”
      That’s an interesting way to look at it. I suspect you’re right and with time I’ll come to see it that way. I think in the past few days I have grown and learned from it; until I came back I couldn’t really focus entirely on the future. Now I can.

      “Revenge? Revenge comes when the younger, more feminine, hotter, tighter, sweeter etc girl is lying in your bed sweaty, puffing, being as close to you as she can, being happy she pleased you; revenge comes from you not needing the revenge, not even thinking of it. ”

      Well said.

      Reply
  4. Pingback: Being Held Back By Girls’ Past Perceptions Of You | 3rd Millenium Men

  5. Ruxman

    They say the best love is unrequited love. Really good writing, the kind of writing where I forget it’s a blog, up my alley indeed.

    Reply
    1. Tom White Post author

      Beatrice from the Inferno was a real woman – Beatrice – whom Dante met as a kid and loved even after she married someone else and died young. He wrote several poems about her and he then added her into the Inferno.

      Reply
  6. deti

    Wow. Impressive writing. Florid, vivid, descriptive, penetrating.

    Damn good stuff. There’s not a man in the ‘sphere who hasn’t been there and felt EXACTLY this.

    The one who got away is always exquisitely in a man’s mind and heart, until he makes his peace with it and with her.

    Women just don’t realize how truly, madly and deeply we love. They just don’t get it.

    Reply
    1. Tom White Post author

      Thanks. Men and women love differently. Men love the ideal and this what hurts the most – the betrayal by the woman they’ve hung their ideal on.

      Reply

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